Letter to you - please read!

Hi everyone. We are sitting at the airport, with some time to kill before we board our flight. We wanted to give you a heads up on a few things, as I'm sure reading books on International Adoption and Adopting School-Age Children is not your favourite activity. We've used my friend Gwen's letter as a basis - thanks, Gwen for sharing!

Although we're hoping for a smooth transition for our family, we are going to step back from a lot of our activities for a while. Internationally adopted children often have difficult transitional periods as they adjust to living in a family, learning a new culture, new language, being surrounded by people of a different race, and learning to accept new smells, tastes and sounds.

Although Mebira is almost 5, we can expect her to act like a much younger child -- possibly even like a young toddler. Behavioural regression is normal in institutionalized children, and is temporary. Their brains need some “re-wiring” after the trauma of family disruption and institutional care.

Our basic goal for the first little while is simply to teach her that we are her parents. This is attachment. Mebira needs to learn that we are a family, and that her needs will be met by us, every time. Parents teach this to their biological children easily, by repeatedly responding to their inant’s cries. Adoptive parents need to teach this more intentionally. Every child’s fear is that their parents will leave them: this is why a baby cries when he cannot see his mother. For the adopted child, this fear has become a reality: they have lost their parents. They need to be taught that we will not leave them, not ever. This lesson may be a long and difficult one.

It may seem, at first, that we are completely spoiling her. She may (or may not) act out in ways that seem extreme. We'll be trying to meet her every need, and trying our best to respond to her immediately. Although it may seem that we are being terrible, permissive and manipulated parents, please be patient! We don't know what kinds of trauma Mebira has suffered, and it may be a while before we can start expecting good behaviour from her. Severe malnutrition can also affect behaviour, sometimes permanently. We're asking for your patience as we work through this.

What can you do to help?

Just a few simple things will help us tremendously!

1.Give Mebira a little space. We're all excited to welcome her, but she has no idea that we’ve been waiting for her so long. Big enveloping hugs will scare her, not comfort her. Loud sobs may make her wonder what is wrong with these Canadians! If you simply cannot resist the urge to reach out to her, shaking hands is culturally acceptable and will not frighten her. In Ethiopia, it’s a sign of respect to grip your right elbow with your left hand as you shake someone’s hand.

2. Please, try not to stare. Mebira will notice that she doesn’t look like the rest of us. As a transracial family, we will be stared at whenever we’re out in public. Let’s make her feel that she can feel secure and comfortable among family, friends and our church family.

3. It’s unacceptable to touch black children’s hair without first asking their permission.

4. Based on books we've read, and the advice we've gotten from our Internation Adoption Doctor, we've decided to cocoon our family for a month or two. We will likely not have much interaction with people for the first few weeks, and will start introducing her to people as she gets more comfortable with us. She needs to know that we are not just another set of caregivers who will hand her off to someone else. Therefore, it is very important that we are the only ones who feed her and comfort her.

We can hardly wait to introduce Mebira to you! You have all been a tremendous support to us over the last 2.5 years. Every prayer, word of encouragement and hug has meant so much to us. May God bless you as richly as you have blessed us!