A new phase

A few months ago I remembered saying that I wish I could pause life right where it was.  Things have definitely changed...iff I had a remote control now, I think I would either rewind or speed ahead a bit.  Unfortunately, I can't do that...so I'll try to make the best of where I am now.

I'm not sure exactly what has happened over the last few months, but it feels like family life has changed a lot.  We are making quite a bit of headway with our child suffering from anxiety, but the drama and emotional turmoil is something we still need to work through every. single. night.

The part that I'm most unsure of is the attachment issues with Mebira.  It has me second guessing absolutely everything right now.  Last year felt like a perfect balance...school in the morning to help her socialize, and learn English faster, and the afternoons with me to help with bonding, attachment, etc.  However, because she was in the system already and Kindergarten was done, Grade 1 was the next logical step this year.  She has handled the transition easier than any of our bio girls - she can handle a ton of activity and loves school.  BUT, I can't help but wonder if school is the reason why we are having some issues now.  She is at school all day, although I do try to get the girls for lunch 2-3 times a week.  After school, we do have some activities, although not a ton, but when we are home she is often colouring or playing Barbies with Elizabeth.  I love to see them play together, but that one-on-one time that I used to have with her is not existent. 

I can't even put my finger on exactly what is different.  At home she is pretty much the same...happy, pretty affectionate, easy going.  The main difference is when we are out now.  She is REALLY struggling with being the only one who looks different in our family.  She is embarrassed to acknowledge me at school, or at tae kwon do, or when we are out shopping.  Last year she seemed oblivious to this, or was more worried about fitting in with our family.  Since the start of grade 1 she is really worried about what other people might think or say...maybe I can hope that it is because she feels comfortable with us now and is moving on to worrying about other people... 

Last week I decided to take Mebira out of school in the afternoon and have a special date with her.  I could theoretically do this in the evening, but then I am taking away from family time, or I am then setting myself up for dates with different kids each night.  Anyway, on our date we stopped at the dollar store.  She spontaneously gave me a big hug in the store (which I loved as it's getting more and more rare in public).  Right after she did this, she seemed so embarrassed and she immediately put her hood of her sweater on, and then the hood of her jacket on top.  I asked her why she did this, and she said it was because she didn't want people to know that she had different skin from me.

Poor girl - I feel so bad for her.  It must be so tough to feel different all the time.  Yesterday I had a fun afternoon shopping with my bio girls G and E...and even I noticed how "normal" we looked.  It was nice to just be anonymous and not stick out...and I can't imagine how much harder it is for Mebira to feel like she is different all the time.  We go to a pretty ethnically diverse school (but she is the only adopted one in her class), there are other adoptive families at church, we do amharic language lessons once a month with lots of other adoptive families...but maybe there is more we should be doing.  Or maybe it's just a phase where she is determining her identity.

We had originally wanted siblings...and I can't help wondering if it would have been "easier" for her to have had a sibling.  Aside from adopting again, do any of my adoptive peeps have any words of wisdom for me?

If you can spare 1.5 hours...

Arvid and I recently watched a really good documentary on international adoption.  It is very thought provoking, and does such a good job of realistically portraying the challenges in bringing a child from another culture here.  It should almost be required watching for anyone who is thinking of adopting internationally, and I would love if any of our friends and family could spare some time to watch this documentary.  I feel it would really help people grasp some of the challenges that she is facing and will continue to face her whole life.

So often people think how lucky kids are who have been adopted...when in reality, an adopted child is not lucky at all.  Sure, it's great that Mebira is not in an orphanage any longer, but in order to end up in our family she had to lose everything that she holds dear...her birth family, her language, her culture, her identity, familiar food/smells/customs...

We are planning on going back to Ethiopia...hopefully in the spring of 2014.  Although I'm hoping this will be a positive experience in teaching Mebira about her culture and history, we also plan on visiting her relatives and I'm quite nervous about that.  Imagine seeing a long lost, much loved relative who you haven't seen in years...but you are no longer able to converse with them anymore.  The documentary shows what is like for a child to go back...and I bawled through a good portion of it.

If you can spare 1.5 hours sometime, especially if Mebira is a part of your life, I would love if you can watch this http://ww3.tvo.org/video/183287/somewhere-between .  I seem to remember that this may only be online until the end of November, so the sooner the better!

The New Normal

I realize that I have been completely slacking on this blog and am not sure if anyone is even still out there.  I'm thinking of stopping the blog...we are now home over a year and have experienced most of the firsts.  However, I'm kind of in the mood right now so I will write a little update on life in the Schimke household:

September was a complete shock to my system.  We had such an amazing summer - we had a great vacation, I took a lot of time off of work, most days we didn't have much planned...and then September came.  Work at the church was incredibly busy with fall kick-off, my work at GE exploded and I was working most evenings and weekends on those projects, then we had to be up and at it so early (I am NOT a morning person), the kids came home with a million forms, piano, AWANA and tae kwon do resumed, Arvid was super stressed at work, and it was getting cold out.  I actually went through a mild depression...I was under intense stress and just couldn't quite accept the new normal.  I found that I had absolutely no margin in my days...there was not even time for TV, working out, I barely squeezed in quick devotional times, and the kids complained a lot that I was working all the time.

In addition to all of that, one of my girls has been going through a lot of intense anxiety and it has been really hard to watch.  I don't want to get into any big details online, but she is transformed into a totally different kid each evening when the anxiety kicks in.  We are doing all we can at this point, but we've been struggling with this for our fourth month now.

On the adoption/attachment front, things have been a bit harder now that Mebira has started Grade 1.  I try to get the girls for lunch so they get a break and we get a bit more time together, but it is hard having Mebira gone all day...I really miss our special afternoons together that we had last year.  She is thriving in Grade 1 so far, and comes home ready for the next activity or just playing Barbies or colouring with E.  They are such good buddies - it's amazing to watch.

We did have a tough issue last week - I noticed some different behaviour from Mebira at school - she was pulling away from me and didn't want to be kissed or hugged and was distant.  We had quite a talk about it later...she admitted that one of the brown kids in her class was asking questions about me and why I was peach-skinned, and she said that she was embarrassed that Dad and I were peach-skinned.  I was fully prepared for the embarrassment on one hand...I was expecting this at some point, but fully unprepared for this on another hand as I just wasn't expecting it so soon.  The hardest part was when I told her that everyone at school already knew that I was her mom, and that although I understood that it was hard, everyone at school already knew.  She answered with, "But I don't want them to know that you're my mom." 

Oh my, that was hard to take.  I fully understood where she was coming from...she just wanted to fit in, and be "normal"...so far a lot of the black children we have seen have been adopted...and this was the first time in a while that she had been with a black kid with a black mom who may not have known she was adopted.  I admit that I reacted out of hurt at first...it stabbed my heart...but I also fully understand.  I am glad she's open to talking to us about it, I'm glad she said she feels totally comfortable at home and at church, but I also know that this is one of the down sides of international adoption and it is something we will face over and over.  I hesitate sharing this online, especially as there is so much more to this story, but I also want people to know that this is a reality...and that although we have had such a super easy transition, there are also issues that we face.

Anyway, things in our lives have stabilized a lot...I'm only working during the day while the kids are in school now, and am finding a lot more balance.  I'm not perfectly there yet, but have had some down time in the evenings again, have been going to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and doing my homework faithfully and actually started working out again this week.  The weather has been so cold this week but I've embraced the cold by drinking more hot coffee, keeping nice candles lit at home and yes, listening to Christmas music.  :-)

Other than the issues I mentioned above, the girls are doing great.  I'm shocked how well Mebira can read already...she is such a smart kid!  We are working on redoing G's room for her 10th birthday, and E continues to be such a great big sister and friend.  We are heading to amharic lessons today as a family, and then picking up some Ethiopian food for supper - yum!

Until the next time...thanks for reading!  :-)

Road Trip!

We have had such an amazing summer.  Not only has the weather at home been fantastic, but we took an almost 2 week road trip.

Our first stop was to Panorama Mountain Resort just out of Invermere, BC.  We rented an awesome 2 bedroom condo with room for up to 6 people so we had tons of space to hang out in, cook meals, watch the Olympics, etc.  The weather was just right and we had lots of fun enjoying the heat of the pool during the heat of the afternoon, and going running or for long walks.

On our way to the pool...something we did every day.

It's so nice now that the kids can take pictures...we actually make it in some shots for a change.  :-)  We were fortunate enough to find chairs around the pool each day.  The kids sat out and read sometimes, but mostly played in the pool.  Arvid was a great dad and swam with them a lot...and I was happy to sit on the lounge chairs and soak up some sun!

The extra time that Arvid was around really made a difference in his relationship with Mebira.  She is good with him, but not overly affectionate.  On this trip, however, she started to really be more affectionate with him and it was so cute to see them bond.  That's me working in the background...I had to work a bit on our trip...I didn't totally mind it because I was able to just do a bit every day and I conveniently did it when it was time to cook supper.  :-)

Panorama has a gondola you can ride on for free to get from the lower to upper village.  We were already in the upper village and didn't need to ride it, but E&M had so much fun riding it that we would go up and down at least once a day.  It was like a free Disneyworld ride!  :-)

On one of our evening walks.  This was one of my favourite memories of the whole trip.  We went for a super long walk and the kids didn't complain once.  E&M talked and walked the whole time together, and Arvid and I had a nice long conversation with G.  She has matured so much this summer...it's like having another mini adult around.

Mmmmmm....there's nothing like BC fruit.  We stopped at a fruit stand and loaded up.

On a "cooler" day we went shopping in Invermere.  Of course we stopped at the candy store and found some treasures.    We also had to stop at the German bakery and enjoy some whole wheat cinnamon buns and freshly baked pretzels.  YUM!

This was another highlight for me.  I didn't start drinking coffee until a few years ago, but I'm into it with a vengeance now...into lattes, that is.  I am quite particular, though, and nothing beats a Second Cup skinny vanilla bean latte in my opinion.  However, this vanilla latte from Kicking Horse cafe tasted sooooo good.  Mmmmm...I crave another one!

G started a new hobby - cross stitch!  She did such a great job and worked so hard on this.

Our next stop was to drive down to Sandpoint, Idaho.  It's only another 3 or 4 hours south of Panorama, and it was so beautiful.  It's like a mini Kelowna - super hot...and it had a WALMART!  :-)  We came to the beach on the first day at about 9:30 in the morning because it was so hot by the afternoon.  The beach was almost deserted that early.

Is this the life or what??

We walked to town one day and nearly melted in the heat so we stopped for ice cream on the way back.  Yikes those American sized portions are HUGE!

We did a bit of shopping...OK a lot of shopping.  We managed to convince Arvid to go to WalMart 3 of the 4 days we were there.  Seriously, Walmart in the states is so fun - so many different flavours of chips and candy, and everything is so cheap!  The day we didn't go to WalMart we went to Spokane and spent a whole day shopping - TJ Maxx, Ross, Burlington Coat Factory, Payless, Sally Beauty, Target (which carries Mebira's Kinky Curly Hair produts...yah!), and a mall.  The girls had their own money to spend and were totally into it...poor Arvid wasn't so into it, though but he was a good trooper.

Ahhh...one of my favourite stops in Sandpoint.  Starbucks!

My beautiful GEMs

Wow...do they look like sisters or what?

G, who is NOT a lover of dogs, was thrilled to find this sign at the park we went to.

The evenings there were so warm...still 28 or 29 at 9 at night.  We played bocce a few evenings - such a fun game to play with the kids.

Good thing it was evening...I could imagine that slide getting quite hot during the day!

We spelled something....can you read what it is?

no comment...

Arvid payed us back for all that shopping and made us go on a hike.  Normally I like hiking, but when it's nearing 30 and we took our life in our hands to make it down the road to the trailhead (seriously, the road was worse than any I had seen in Ethiopia) it wasn't quite as fun.  The girls were great sports, though.

The pictures don't quite do it justice...that's the lake in the background below with mountains surrounding the lake.  Truly beautiful!

I LOVE my girls!  I am truly blessed to be able to be a mother to my three amazing girls!

Mmmmm....post hike reward.  I could have stayed there all afternoon!  On the deck of Starbucks, overlooking the lake, in +33 degree weather, sipping an icy frappucino.  Mmmmm...

The city beach has a beautiful park as well.  On our last day we came to play bocce and frisbee.

Another use for bocce balls...hmmm...maybe I should have thought of that!  :-)

Beautiful Sandpoint beach...our last night.

Married for 12 years and still so in love.  I'm blessed to have such an amazing husband!

Well, that sums up our trip.  We had a wonderful time and were a bit sad to come home, but very thankful to come home to a great house, good jobs, amazing family, friends and church.  And now the countdown is on until we can do it again!  :-)

One year without him

It's hard to believe that Arvid's dad passed away one year ago.  In some ways it feels like it has been way longer, yet in other ways it still feels fresh.  I'm glad that we've made it to this one year mark...usually the "firsts" (Christmas, birthdays, Father's Day, etc.) are hardest to go through the first time around.

As an in-law who has only been in the family for a little over 12 years, I don't feel like I have a right to even garner sympathy when I say that I miss him...Arvid and his sister, Lynelle, feel the void so much more.  However, I definitely do miss him and tear up even now as I'm writing this and thinking of him.  We recently upgraded our tent trailer to a "new" bigger trailer, and I kept thinking of him during that process.  He was always so supportive and interested in our purchases or decisions.  Last spring we had to get a bigger vehicle in light of the fact that we were adopting Mebira and now had "all" these kids.  Arvid had kept his dad posted on our vehicle search, and let him know about one that we were interested in from out of town.  His dad decided to call the owner and ask a bunch of questions...his plan was to stay anonymous and just ask questions...but he ended up recognizing the last name of the owner and found some strange connection to them.  Somehow he had connections to so many people - he was so well-known and well-liked.

One of the hardest parts is to have no parents on Arvid's side of the family.  There is still something about a mother or father who glue the family together, organize and host special occasions, or are there for you when you need advice, or just even give that comfortable feel of home. We are so blessed to have such a great relationship with Lynelle, Eric and the girls and we have been able to continue on the Schimke traditions with them.  We are also blessed to have a great extended family on the Manske side - they are all amazing people, and specifically Auntie Bev and Uncle Lyle who have been able to help fill the role of grandparents.

I am continually amazed at how well Arvid and Lynelle have handled everything - especially some of the messy parts of last year and the conflict there.  My respect for both of them has gone even higher - they have handled themselves in godly, unselfish ways, and have been able to push past hurt and a lot of grief and live emotionally and spiritually healthy lives.  I think they have been amazing examples to others and especially to the girls on accepting situations and not growing bitter.

To Lynelle, Eric, Arvid and anyone else missing your dad (and mom!) today...may you experience God's comfort and love in a special way.  How amazing that day will be when we are all united again in heaven!!

Summer fun

Wow, I sure have been slacking in the blog department, haven't I?  I have been fully embracing this summer...and sitting inside facing a computer hasn't been on my top 100 things to do. Seriously, I LOVE summer.  We've had amazing heat which is awesome, and I've been able to sleep in until 8:30ish most days which makes any day a good day, and things have just been really fun!

I should probably have a separate post for a lot of these, but that would probably take me until Christmas at this rate...I'll give you the coles notes version instead.

What have we been up to in the last month?  Here are some pics...

We celebrated "Family/Mother's/Father's Day"  Mebira had been home with us for a year, and it happened to fall right in between Mother's Day and Father's Day.  We wanted to celebrate being a family of 5 for a year, and celebrate her birth parents as well...but the timing of everything was crazy so we thought we'd wrap them into one and call it "Family Day".  We put out one candle to signify that we had been a family of 5 for one year, and we said some special thoughts to acknowledge appreciation for Mebira's birth parents.

We visited with an online friend of mine.  We "met" online through the adoption process and were able to officially meet in Ethiopia when we attended court.  Her two children were in the transition home at the same time as Mebira, and Mebira was thrilled that they were making a road trip and would be able to come see us.  It was such a nice visit - I could have chatted with her for days, and it was so great to see the kids reunite here in Canada.

The three friends, reunited again in Canada.

We went camping in Radium with 4 other families.  We had some heat, and some rain and overall a ton of fun!

Here we are enjoying the Canada Day parade in Invermere.  The kids love it, because they throw out candy to the kids!  :-)

We took in some Canada Day crafts down at the beach.

Pretty cute craft idea!  Pretty cute kids, too.  :-)

There's nothing like a pancake breakfast when you're camping!

And what could be better than having the kids wash up after?

Mebira had our family birthday (just the 5 of us) and she picked her favourite supper - tortellini.  We then had a family supper with my side of the family, followed by her friend party.  Seriously...these birthday parties take their toll on me.  I'm not a party planner type of girl...with 3 kids, and 3 parties each that's 9 parties a year.  Does anyone else feel my pain?.....On another note, you may notice her bracelet.  When we were in Ethiopia I bought a whole bunch of special things from there. Each year on her birthday I give her one or two special items from Ethiopia.  This year she got a pretty Ethiopian scarf, and this bracelet and she really seemed to appreciate both...and the Barbie RV we got her.  :-)

Her gymnastics party with friends.

We soaked up the heat.  This is seriously one of the nicest summers I remember.  Even Mebira is complaining it is too hot! 

The girls decided to have a crazy dress-up day.  Clearly they get this from the other side of the family.  :-)

We took out her hair extensions.  Oh, this deserves a post to itself but I might cry.  The braids didn't take too long to get out...only about 2 hours.  However, you may or may not remember that when I took her yarn braids out the last time I had huge matting issues at the base of each braid.  Well, that was nothing compared to this time.  I had left these braids in for 8.5 weeks, and absolutely loved how cute it looked when the braids were out.  HOWEVER, I had HUGE, I mean HUUUUUGE matting issues again.  It's like I had an impossibly twisted knot of shed hair at the base of each braid.  So I took the braids out and left it for a few days like in this picture.  Then I decided to bite the bullet and fully detangle and it took me over FIVE hours straight!  It was so bad I actually had to cut some knots out, and the shed hair (although I think it's normal) totally stressed me out when you get gobs of it in your comb.  Anyway, I have no idea if I'll do it again.  I LOVED the low maintenance of extensions, but maybe I just need to take them out sooner?  If you have any tips I would love to hear them.

Mebira has a thing for bangs.  She loves bangs on people and has told me so many times that she wants bangs when she is a mom.  We were very happy to take her braids out and realize that she could actually have bangs for a bit.  :-)  We are such strange beings, aren't we?  We always want what we can't have! 

Anyway, that will do it for today.  I hope you're having an equally fun summer!

How far we have come

We have been home for one year now and life is going great.  At the time, we were prepared for the worst and things actually were going pretty well when we first came home.  However, even with the relative ease in the transition, the family dynamics had changed a lot and we were still trying to get to know each other, plus we had the stress of Arvid's dad in the hospital. Looking back, I realize that it actually was quite difficult but we were able to find much joy in it. Now that we are one year in I am so glad to be over all of that.  Mebira has blossomed into an even more amazing kid - super smart, athletic, helpful and fearless.

These are two of my favourite videos from a year ago.  Hard to believe how much she has changed so quickly!  (The second one may not work on an iphone...it is quite large so I had to upload it a backwards way...hopefully you can view it on your computer because it is so cute!)

Both of these are from June 26/11