A new phase

A few months ago I remembered saying that I wish I could pause life right where it was.  Things have definitely changed...iff I had a remote control now, I think I would either rewind or speed ahead a bit.  Unfortunately, I can't do that...so I'll try to make the best of where I am now.

I'm not sure exactly what has happened over the last few months, but it feels like family life has changed a lot.  We are making quite a bit of headway with our child suffering from anxiety, but the drama and emotional turmoil is something we still need to work through every. single. night.

The part that I'm most unsure of is the attachment issues with Mebira.  It has me second guessing absolutely everything right now.  Last year felt like a perfect balance...school in the morning to help her socialize, and learn English faster, and the afternoons with me to help with bonding, attachment, etc.  However, because she was in the system already and Kindergarten was done, Grade 1 was the next logical step this year.  She has handled the transition easier than any of our bio girls - she can handle a ton of activity and loves school.  BUT, I can't help but wonder if school is the reason why we are having some issues now.  She is at school all day, although I do try to get the girls for lunch 2-3 times a week.  After school, we do have some activities, although not a ton, but when we are home she is often colouring or playing Barbies with Elizabeth.  I love to see them play together, but that one-on-one time that I used to have with her is not existent. 

I can't even put my finger on exactly what is different.  At home she is pretty much the same...happy, pretty affectionate, easy going.  The main difference is when we are out now.  She is REALLY struggling with being the only one who looks different in our family.  She is embarrassed to acknowledge me at school, or at tae kwon do, or when we are out shopping.  Last year she seemed oblivious to this, or was more worried about fitting in with our family.  Since the start of grade 1 she is really worried about what other people might think or say...maybe I can hope that it is because she feels comfortable with us now and is moving on to worrying about other people... 

Last week I decided to take Mebira out of school in the afternoon and have a special date with her.  I could theoretically do this in the evening, but then I am taking away from family time, or I am then setting myself up for dates with different kids each night.  Anyway, on our date we stopped at the dollar store.  She spontaneously gave me a big hug in the store (which I loved as it's getting more and more rare in public).  Right after she did this, she seemed so embarrassed and she immediately put her hood of her sweater on, and then the hood of her jacket on top.  I asked her why she did this, and she said it was because she didn't want people to know that she had different skin from me.

Poor girl - I feel so bad for her.  It must be so tough to feel different all the time.  Yesterday I had a fun afternoon shopping with my bio girls G and E...and even I noticed how "normal" we looked.  It was nice to just be anonymous and not stick out...and I can't imagine how much harder it is for Mebira to feel like she is different all the time.  We go to a pretty ethnically diverse school (but she is the only adopted one in her class), there are other adoptive families at church, we do amharic language lessons once a month with lots of other adoptive families...but maybe there is more we should be doing.  Or maybe it's just a phase where she is determining her identity.

We had originally wanted siblings...and I can't help wondering if it would have been "easier" for her to have had a sibling.  Aside from adopting again, do any of my adoptive peeps have any words of wisdom for me?